What Are You Afraid Of?

As I write this, I am looking out over our farm field to the fast-moving clouds that are sweeping the not-so-distant hills. Specifically, I am observing what I silently refer to as “Jesus light.” You know what I’m talking about: beams of light that shine down through the clouds, illuminating everything beneath and looking like the angels are about to break out in the Hallelujah Chorus. These light beams are radiant and mysterious and intriguing; I love them.

I am not a religious woman. As a death doula, I respect your beliefs and rituals, and if I’m with you in your final days, I will do everything in my power to ensure you get what you need spiritually. Some of you have a deep and abiding faith; others aren’t so sure of their faith but prefer to just wing it. There’s another demographic, one born of fear. The folks in this category aren’t particularly religious. They’ve never committed themselves to Jesus or a savior by any other name. They’ve lived their lives following a moral compass, but not giving much thought to what comes after death. And then, in their final days, fear takes over. What if there IS a god, and I have ignored him my whole life? Now what? Will I go to Hell? Is this gonna be scary? What will happen to me?

These fears take over, and it is not uncommon for people at the end of life to suddenly “find” God. Or at least religion. To each his own, but rather than make that major shift at the eleventh hour when you’re kind of busy trying to let go, I find it more useful to ask: What are you afraid of?

Most people, by the time death moves in, fear pain more than anything. The dying process. And that’s natural because hey, you’ve probably never been here before (though I’ve been reading a lot about near-death experiences…fodder for another Transitions entry). Guess what? You and I can talk about this fear—and any others—for as long as you like. Dying is a scientific process. There ARE answers to your questions. And sometimes, just knowing that everything you’re experiencing, though new to you, is also experienced by everyone else can quell your fears. I’ve never died (yet), but I have given birth. And knowing that billions of women throughout time and across millennium experienced the same pains and uncertainties as I, was its own kind of comfort as I pushed and breathed through contractions designed to tear my body in half. This collective knowing works for birth and it works for death.

We all will do death in our own way. And while fear is a natural part of it, it certainly doesn’t have to be a component for you. Give it some thought, and let’s talk. We cannot control all factors, but together, I believe we can create for you an experience that will be more comforting to you and your loved ones.

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I am happy you are here

We live in a society that is not comfortable with death, dying, grief, or grieving. I have seen people go to great lengths to avoid discussion of these topics. Part of me gets it—death and grief invoke strong emotions and feelings. Not everyone is comfortable dealing with those, privately or publicly. 

But you’re going to die.

So am I.

We all are.

It’s really the only sure thing (besides taxes, so the saying goes).

So let’s get into it. Let’s pull back the curtain and dare to lean in. Transition Talk is a safe space to explore all things death- and grief related. No subject is off limits, and we can spend as much or as little time chasing Truth as we want. 

My musings are just that—mine. Your thoughts around death and grief may differ from mine; I hope they do. The more varied perspectives on death we can lay on the table, the easier it will be to understand where others are coming from. And where they need to go.

Let’s go. And thanks for joining me on this journey.