When Death Comes to Call

It’s that time of year once again (my favorite), when nature reminds us of the importance of

balance, that there comes a time when our focus must turn inward for rest and rejuvenation.

The critters know it, plants know it, trees know it. There is value in slowing down, doing less.

Society emphasizes productivity, but not all productivity is created equal. We are raised to

believe we must always be moving forward, on the go, completing checklists and multi-step

itineraries. But when does this maniacal propulsion allow for recharging one’s battery? For

noticing details? Appreciating the process? Life only truly works when there is balance. For

every in, an out. Every up, a down. Every movement, a stillness. Our bodies and minds

instinctively know and understand this; our brains are conditioned to perceive being still as

doing nothing. This could not be further from the truth.

As we age, slowing down comes naturally. Yet many try to fight this natural progression. It isn’t

until the end of life, for many, that we come to realize the fulfillment one can achieve by

honoring the body and mind’s desire to take life at a slower pace. We believe, instead, that if

we just keep moving at a hectic pace, we will outwit Time.

We won’t.

Time stops for us all, and in many ways, it’s up to us how it will find us. There is a belief among

my community of end-of-life doulas that how we live is how we die. And while I cannot speak

for anyone else, that was certainly true of my own parents. My mother was chaos personified; I

never knew who I was going to interact with at any given moment. And she died unexpectedly

and suddenly. Without warning. One minute she was alive, the next she was lying lifeless at the

bottom of the stair case, an arm stretched out as if to break her fall. My father, who early in life

gave up on his dreams because they would take more effort than he cared to exert,

experienced a stroke. After several weeks of rehab and struggle, he said to me, “I don’t want to

do this anymore.” And he died. Indeed, they died as they lived.

I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule, but think about your own loved ones who have died.

Did they go kicking and screaming? Did they pass with dignity and acceptance? Were they bitter

and resentful, or did they face death with grace and appreciation of the life they were given? Of

course, there are people who die instantly, under tragic circumstances. But the majority of you

reading this post will die of one disorder or another. You may have days, weeks, months, where

you can feel yourself fading gradually. What would you like those days to look like? Do you

want to “get your house in order” as they say, or will you be happy to leave everything behind

as is, for others to sort out? Do you want to visit with friends and family, or be left alone? Are

there loose ends you’d like to tie up? Wrongs you’d like to right? Would you like to leave a

legacy of some kind?

These are thought-provoking questions, not to be answered indiscriminately or on a whim.

They require careful consideration and realistic expectations. This is where an end-of-life doula

can be of great service. We know it’s a time of preparation. For some, it is a time of great loss as

you acknowledge the things you could/should have done but didn’t. For others, it is merely

closure on your lifelong journey, a chance to put it all to rest as you live out your final days.

We’re all different, and we’re all the same. Wherever you fall on the continuum, death doulas

can help you make the most of your life as it comes to a close. We honor your wishes, your

choices, your perspective. It’s all about you.